


affection affliction.

by yae



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Crying, Final Fantasy XIV: Shadowbringers Spoilers, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loneliness, Other, Patch 5.0: Shadowbringers Spoilers, Spoilers, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 20:43:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21380305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yae/pseuds/yae
Summary: the ghost of a man who was never there,the faint smell of the ocean.you are longing.
Relationships: Solus zos Galvus | Emet-Selch & Warrior of Light, Solus zos Galvus | Emet-Selch/Warrior of Light
Kudos: 27





	affection affliction.

**Author's Note:**

> depressed and boohoo over emet-selch at 3am, dont take all dat seriously 🙊 its a mix of my personal vent feelings + canon wol!...

Amaurot; full of character, devoid of life.

So you came, despite knowing full well nothing awaited you here. No one to _alive_ welcome you here.

The bed was hardly comforting. Cold, made for two rather than one. Curled upon it, your mind wanders. Remembering, remembering...

You remembered alright.

His eyes. His smile. The snap of his fingers.

His frown. His past. The dark determination beneath his exterior.

He accepted his death. His loss at your hands. That you were more than he’d thought, than he’d hoped. It took his final moments to realize such a thing. A heavy, back-breaking burden weighing upon him for so long. He could finally let it go. Gone, but not forgotten. Remember us. Remember that we once lived.

Yes, you remembered alright.

He was honest. Plain in admitting he was tempered, yet still conscious and somewhat free-thinking.

...

If he hadn’t been tempered, bound to Zodiark, would he still be alive? Would he be by your side? Would he watch humankind with hopeful regard for their present rather than disdain for being shards of what they once were?

You liked the idea of that. Yet it was only a hopeful idea, never to come to fruition. You couldn’t reverse the past summonings, nor could you undo the death you’d bestowed upon Emet-Selch.

...

No...

...Hades. It was Hades.

That’s who he truly was. If only... you could have seen more of that side of him. Perhaps you’d already seen bits and pieces... That honesty and his occasional compassion. You’d like to think those were parts of “Hades.” All you knew of “Hades” was a monstrosity hellbent on restoring a past that he couldn’t let go of. That he couldn’t outlive. That he couldn’t forget...

...

Closing your eyes, you clutched the auracite to your chest. No longer a stark white, it was a stained royal purple befitting of the being formerly inside it. It felt warm in your palm. Your brows furrowed. The warmth was _only_ from your tight grip on it. It was _not_ a remnant of the life you’d destroyed.

...Ahh. Here came the tears...

You rolled over, eyes shutting even tighter. As if that would stop the tears from squeezing their way out. You hated him. Resented him. He’d caused so much grief, anger, negative feelings aplenty upon you and yours. Yet you couldn’t give in fully. A part of you couldn’t help loving him. Caring for him. Sympathizing, understanding, wanting to comfort.

Could you forgive him...?

No. Never. He’d killed countless, an amount beyond your comprehension. That was a sin to never be forgiven or forgotten. As long as you lived, you would not stop condemning the actions he’d chosen.

Yet you still loved him. You hated him, couldn’t forgive the terrible things he’d done... there shouldn’t be any room in your heart for love in regards to him. Were you just that lonely? It couldn’t be. You truly felt a connection with him. That you and him had been _something_ long in the making.

You hugged yourself. You wished it was his arms instead. You wanted to replace the tears with annoyance at any snark he gave you.

You wondered if you were a bad person for loving him despite his deeds. You, the living and breathing representation of his polar opposite. Many would desire you burn at the stake simply for feeling sympathy for him. But... he meant something to you... something you couldn’t explain. You couldn’t help it. Never would you resort to acting like him. Choosing like him. You wouldn’t forgive or forget what he did.

In your mind, though... it wasn’t enough to truly sway the idea you weren’t a bad person. The self-doubt would always be there, accompanying the wonder and “what if” scenarios. If only feelings were easy. To get over, to understand, to deal with.

You touched his earring, neatly swinging from the side of your head.

Are you a bad person?


End file.
